


Soft-core Prawnography

by Katzedecimal



Series: The Kitchen God's Strife [5]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Brotherhood, Cooking, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Guilt, Texting, trigger: wiggly food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katzedecimal/pseuds/Katzedecimal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock has such lousy luck in the kitchen, it operates when he isn't even the one cooking!  Plus, Mycroft finally gets the chance to have a few Words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soft-core Prawnography

**Author's Note:**

  * For [joudama](https://archiveofourown.org/users/joudama/gifts), [Makani](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makani/gifts).



"...Hello, Mycroft."

"Doctor Watson, how delightful to hear from you. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Your brother insisted that I have to tell you because the whiskey prawns were my idea."

".................... If you'll just allow me to close my office door...?"

"Sure thing."

[20:07 Mycroft Holmes: John is on the phone talking about whiskey prawns. Did another attempt at cookery go wrong?]

[20:08 SH: It's all his fault this time, not mine.]

"There.. Do go ahead, John. You were saying something about prawns?"

"Yeah. Sherlock and I, we'd gone 'round the specialty market and they had these lovely big prawns in, still had the heads and tails on. So I thought I'd pick some up and make Clara's whiskey prawns."

"Whiskey and prawns? What a novel combination."

"It's something Clara used to make - Clara's my sister's ex-wife, she used to make it now and then. You pour a shot or two of whiskey over the prawns in their shells and marinate them a bit, then steam them in the whiskey."

"I see. Sounds very much akin to a Chinese dish."

[20:15 Mycroft Holmes: I think I see where this is going.]

"Probably yeah. Anyways we bought a nice big batch of prawns, brought them home and I had Sherlock dump them into the pot and pour the whiskey over them. Which is about when we realised that some of the prawns were still alive."

"Oh dear. So you rather unintentionally had Drunken Prawns after all."

[20:16 SH: Oh he's just getting started.]

"Oh they were drunk alright. On **whiskey.** Which was rather living up to its name by that point."

"Hmm, yes, 'whiskey', from the Gaelic _'uisge beatha'_ meaning 'the water of life'... Oh dear!"

"Nobody ever told me that prawns can bloody jump like that! They were hopping about like Mexican jumping beans."

"Ah, _Odori Ebi_ , 'dancing shrimp,' the very famous Japanese dish of prawns that most people wouldn't touch if you paid them. Unfortunately, one does not have the luxury of turning down such honours when one is a guest at an embassy."

"Well these weren't just dancing, they were doing high-jumps like it was the prawn Olympics! Before we knew it, three of the little buggers had pole-vaulted out of the pot, off of the worktop and were legging it across the floor!"

"Oh no...!"

"I tried to grab the pot lid but I couldn't find it. So I hollared over to Sherlock, 'Where's the bloody lid?' and he tells me he's using it to cover a bunch of bloody **petri dishes.** So I grabbed the lid off them and then he's on me for ruining his experiment and I tell him, 'Our tea is scarpering across the floor and you're worried about your bloody experiment?!' And he said yes."

[20:24 SH: Has he told you how he destroyed my experiments yet?]

[20:24 Mycroft Holmes: The petri dishes, yes.]

[20:25 SH: They're completely contaminated. There's no telling what those things brought with them as they trotted through the medium.]

"So sorry, John, that was rude of me."

"Yes, I expect you were having to imagine it. Well let me tell you, the real scene itself was far worse. As he was chewing me out for uncovering his petri dishes, two more of the lively little sods took off and landed in fair in the middle of them, then went skittering about, splashing God only knows what was in there all over the table."

"Oh no..."

" **And** all over Sherlock."

"Oh **no!** "

"So that's one suit gone, because whatever he was growing in those petri dishes apparently contaminated the fabric enough that the suit couldn't just be cleaned, it would have to be destroyed. It's spreading over the table so what does he do? - cleans it up with the suit, then pitches the suit into the fire. Whereupon we had a row."

[20:32 Mycroft Holmes: You're down a suit.]

[20:32 SH: I never liked that suit anyway.]

"Well that certainly brings back memories."

"So he goes to get his dressing gown and I tell _him_ to make sure the rest of the prawns are properly dead while _I_ hunt for our escaped tea, three of which are having a race and have got half-way across the flat by now."

"Haha! I recall a similarly ignoble experience at the Japanese embassy once upon a time."

"So guess who chooses that precise moment to show up at the door?"

"Oh dear... Mrs. Hudson?"

"She sees the burning suit, me chasing our escapees, Sherlock under the table clearing up the mess, and one of the little sods just **has** to get its second wind and leap straight onto her foot. She screams, startles Sherlock, he slams his head on the underside of the table and the microscope topples over and breaks. Whereupon we had another row."

[20:45 Mycroft Holmes: You're down a microscope.]

[20:45 SH: I liked that microscope.]

"I'm certain that did not help his mood."

"No it did not. Well the three in the sitting room finally ran out of steam so I could gather them up and chuck them in the bin. Then I realised that I haven't seen the other two, so I yell at Sherlock to help me find them and naturally he's still ticked about his broken microscope. He finds one of the prawns and goes to pass it up to me and as I turn around, my jumper catches the pot and I dump the whole mess of marinating prawns onto Sherlock. Third row of the evening."

[20:50 Mycroft Holmes: You're down supper.]

[20:51 SH: And my favorite dressing gown.]

"I'm sure by then he had quite lost his appetite."

"By then he had quite lost his temper. He went and changed then stormed out of the flat after insisting I tell you all about it."

"Indeed, Doctor. And in listening to your story, I am bound to conclude that you used the prawns as an excuse to destroy my brother's experiments, vandalise his property and commit an assault on his person, as petty revenge for his eccentricities."

"...What?"

"Much as I can sympathise with the desires, I simply cannot condone acting upon them, and as his brother, I take a very dim view of this."

"Now, hang on, that _isn't_ what happened..."

"Of course it isn't. You have simply experienced the truly unique brand of bad luck that has dogged my brother in the kitchen for many years. Absolutely none of this was in any way deliberate on your part or his, and yet, somehow, catastrophy happens. It's why he gave up cookery, all those years ago."

"...Yes, alright."

"I was actually quite impressed when he took it up again in an effort to please you."

"...Is that so."

"He was rather hoping his luck had changed. Sadly, it hadn't, and after being run out of the flat four times, after similarly spectacular failures, he gave it up again."

"...Yes, alright."

[20:56 Mycroft Holmes: Where are you?]

[20:57 SH: I'm at Angelos. I stopped at Barts and borrowed a shower and some headache pills.]

"The eggs were an oversight on the part of the farmer, you see. We spoke with her after the incident and learned that she had entrusted the collection of the eggs to her tweenage children while she was sick with flu and sadly, they were not as attentive as she had believed them to be, nor as honest. The pie was a specialty of our childhood cook and I'm told you had chosen your viewing material well after he had begun the recipe."

"Yes, alright."

"Nagaimo does bear a rather unfortunate resemblance to certain bodily emissions but if my brother were interested in such activities, he would certainly not stoop to such subterfuge."

"Yes, I looked it up afterwards, thank you."

"And as you know, he does not keep up with pop culture. It is fascinating, is it not, how innocent kitchen disasters that would be laughed off, had they happened to anyone else, are immediately assumed to have deliberate, even malicious intent, when they happen to Sherlock?"

"You know, in my own defense, he did experiment on me once."

"Yes, I'm aware, we had a row about that. A short one, as our rows go, oddly enough. During which he said something about you that I found very interesting. Would you like to know what Sherlock said, Doctor Watson?"

"...Alright."

"He said that he could never get bored of you. I believe you know my brother well enough to understand the importance of that statement."

"................ yes."

"Very good, then."

"Is this why he made me call you? So you could guilt the hell out of me?"

"Actually I believe it was so I would laugh at somebody else for a change. Sending you on a guilt trip was my idea. I can always tell when my little brother has been hurt, Doctor Watson."

"Yes, you've made your point."

"Good. I believe you'll find my brother will be returning soon, with a replacement for your supper. Probably not prawns."

"Oh God... I just realised...! There's still one missing!"

"Ah, well... I'm certain its location will become apparent within the next few days. It's forecast to be rather warm."


End file.
